Divorcing My Ex Was Not Simple

April 11, 2013

Recently I read a blog post in the Huffington Post titled “Divorcing the Character Disordered: An Interview with Dr. George Simon” written by Tracy Schorn. I have to admit that reading that post made me sick as it described my ex-husband. It brought back ugly memories that I thought were buried and gone – obviously they are not.

We were married for twenty years and never had children and had no real money. Naively I thought obtaining a divorce would be “easy” – I was wrong.  He fought every step of the way. The truth was he wanted to destroy me. When beating me up did not work he resorted to harassing my co-workers. I was the major wage earner and he was the gambler and by divorcing him I was taking away his lifestyle – which was truly the only thing cared about.

It took two years to finally get a divorce.  In the end he demanded I pay him a cash settlement – which I did. I guess he ran up gambling debts he had to pay. I really don’t care what motivated him to finally agree to a divorce. I gladly paid the “ransom” to be free of him.

Lisa Donlon Acquitted Of Murdering Her Abusive Husband

April 4, 2013

 Lisa Donlon shot her husband in his sleep six times, but the jury acquitted her after hearing evidence that she was a victim of an extreme case of domestic abuse. Donlon was charged with second-degree murder, manslaughter and criminally negligent homicide. Her lawyers argued that Donlon’s husband, Jason Donlon, held her in a cabin in Butte, about 40 miles northeast of Anchorage, where he raped and tortured her (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/03/lisa-donlon-acquitted-murdering-husband-alaska_n_3008619.html).

 The Donlon’s had a history of trouble in their marriage. Doctors’ records show that she sustained injuries in 2006. The same year, she filed a restraining order against her husband. In the restraining order petition, Donlon said that Jason Donlon had pointed a gun to her chest and threw her out of the house with no clothes on. She didn’t call the police, because she said she was scared. “I have a feeling that he would use his guns easily, and I don’t want to create any situation that would trigger that,” she wrote.  I know how Ms. Donlon felt – I never called the police because I was too afraid of what he would do to me once he was released.

 A home should be a safe haven but for millions of women who endure domestic violence their home is more like a “House of Horrors”. 

It Could Happen To You

March 12, 2013

Picture this—a well-dressed, female Wall Street executive going about a normal day at work.

Her day appears typical—busy with meetings, talking to clients and reading her email—however, although the day began just like any other, it won’t be ordinary at all.

You see, she recently left her abusive husband and was scared to death that he would come to the office to harass her.

She informed building security and provided a picture of her husband to the security guards— so if he appeared he wouldn’t be allowed to enter the building. Well, he did show up. He walked right into the building lobby that day and wouldn’t leave until the security guards threatened to call the police.

This woman never called the police during her 20 year marriage because she was so frightened of what he would do if she did.

I’m talking about a successful executive, a woman working for a Wall Street financial services firm. She had lived in fear during her twenty-year marriage and had never told anyone about what she was going through, until she finally left him. I am talking about myself. If you want to see the face of domestic violence all you need to do is look around you.

In fact according to an article in The Daily Beast (http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/02/28/domestic-violence-among-the-wealthy-hides-behind-veil-of-silence.html) “wealthy women” endure domestic violence too.

Domestic violence is an “equal opportunity” social disease and does not care what your socio-economic status is. It can happen to anyone.

I’m Furious

December 20, 2012

Jennifer Wilkov and Michele Mattia the co-creators of “Get Your Voice On” – A carefully orchestrated event to celebrate women which will be held in NYC on March 1 and 2, 2013 asked me to talk about what “Getting Your Voice On” means to me.

 The more I thought about what I would write the angrier I became…Read why.  

 I’m Furious

 When I was asked to pen a post about “Getting Your Voice On” I honestly did not know what I would write or how I would write it. The country was in the throes of a bitter election cycle and I was caught up in the daily political acrimony. There were (and still are) issues I feel very strongly about which were marginalized by many politicians and pundits.

 For those of you who know me, I have always been considered “the nice one” “the reliable one”  “the diplomat” “the easy going one”. Part of the reason I became this “easy going” person is I truly loathe confrontation.  You see for many years I lived two lives – one a successful Wall Street Executive and the other a behind closed doors abused wife.  The abuse I suffered made me adverse to confrontation.

 Having lived in an abusive relationship is one reason I became this “easy going” person – I learned not to speak up for fear of being beaten up by my ex- husband.  Living in fear, I became the consummate diplomat. The consummate diplomat was a great thing to be especially in a corporation that wanted their employees not “rock the boat” and get things done the way they wanted them done – I was perfect – and I excelled.

 Fast forward many years of therapy later– I am no longer a diplomatic - in fact I am furious. I am furious at the politicians and pundits who belittle, insult, minimize and scorn issues of importance to women.  I truly believe these folks consider women as “less than”.

 For many years now I have devoted myself to helping survivors of domestic violence create self-sufficient lives – so when I see our politicians treating VAWA (Violence Against Women Act) like a political football I get furious. I am furious because lives are at stake and politicians do not seem to care – by the way it’s been 679 days since VAWA expired, 183 days since Congress last acted on it and 30 days until the end of the current congressional session. Anyone think Congress will do anything about before they end the session? I certainly don’t think so.

 In the past I would have not said anything and kept my anger and frustration to myself – but now I don’t. I speak up. I speak up because so many women and their children are suffering at the hands of brutal abusers. And I am furious at politicians, whose number one priority is their own political survival so much so that they are willing to let the most vulnerable among us live in dangerous situations. I will continue to speak up for those who are not yet ready to speak for themselves.

 I am nearing the end of this post and I feel exhausted but exhilarated. Exhausted because I had to let go of the “diplomat” that I was – you see she did not want to leave – it was safe being a diplomat. Yet I am committed to speaking out on issues that affect violence against women. I have found my voice and many will hear it loud and clear – whether they like it or not!

Domestic Violence Is A Fact Of Life – What A Horrible Thought – But It’s True

December 6, 2012

Football player Jovan Belcher was not the first person in Kansas City to murder his partner then kill himself – there were at least 2 other incidents. Thankfully the victims survived but the perpetrators turned the gun on themselves and died.

In fact there have been 14 domestic violence deaths in the Kansas City area according to an article in The Kansas City Star (http://www.kansascity.com/2012/12/03/3947220/all-too-often-domestic-violence.html). As I read the article the phrase “Domestic violence is pervasive and a fact of life for thousands of people each year.” It was the “fact of life” part that pissed me off.       

I’m angry because the only times domestic violence seems to get attention is when a celebrity is involved or there is such a horrendous violent act perpetrated on a victim that the media has no choice but to cover it; like the shooting in Wisconsin (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/22/us/three-killed-in-shooting-at-spa-in-brookfield-wis.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0) . 

According to statistics at least 3 women are killed each day (http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/content/action_center/detail/754  and still our “do nothing” Republican congress sits on VAWA. I believe that VAWA (Violence Against Women Act) is going to expire during this lame duck session and then we have to start all over again. I imagine the Republicans just don’t care that for many people domestic violence is a fact of life. How disgusting!

Happy Thanksgiving

November 21, 2012

My dear readers I wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving. I want to thank you your continued support - I am truly grateful!

Many of us are fortunate to be surrounded by loved ones but there are those who are living in abusive relationships and the holidays can bring added stress to an already stressful situation.

Unfortunately, domestic violence does not take a holiday.

The More We Know - The Worse It Gets

November 6, 2012

 I have a confession and I am embarrassed by what I am going to tell you. When I was married to my abusive husband I never heard the term “domestic violence”. I never in my wildest imagination thought there was even a term for what I was experiencing. I lived in n bubble for twenty years. My only concern was survival – keeping my job, not getting him angry, praying he would not embarrass me by coming to my office, having enough money to have a roof over my head since he gambled and so much more – so the abuse I experienced became “normal” to me.  In fact the first time I heard the term “domestic violence” was from the attorney I hired after I finally left him.

 What actually made me remember how unaware I was about domestic violence was an article in the Sun Journal in North Carolina titled “Domestic Violence Proving Relentless” (http://www.newbernsj.com/opinion/editorials/domestic-violence-proving-relentless-1.42275).  The article talks about a man, Jolly Williams a resident of Onslow County, who beat his 27 year old wife and then set the house they shared on fire, leaving her there to die – the year was 1991. Fast forward to 2012 Jeremy Hall shot his wife and then turned the gun on himself. Women are continually being murdered by their husbands and male domestic partners.

The number of women who are abused has not diminished. In fact more women are being abused today than ever before.

 During the 1990s about 1 in 4  women was likely to be abused in her lifetime by her partner (http://www.mchenrycountyturningpoint.org/pdf/DOMESTIC_VIOLENCE_STATISTICS.pdf), today it’s 1 in 3 (http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_executive_summary-a.pdf).

 Thankfully, today we have more programs, more education, more legislation and more awareness about domestic violence yet there are more women at risk. 

Domestic Violence Can Happen To Anyone

November 2, 2012

 Marcia G. Yerman posted a blog on October 31^st in The Huffington Post titled “Domestic Violence: Everybody’s Issue” (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-g-yerman/domestic-violence-awareness_b_2047805.html).  I urge you to read her post as it explains the issues facing victims of domestic violence - plus Ms. Yerman talks about how domestic violence can affect anyone regardless of socio-economic status.

 In my book “Victory Over Violence” I talk about how I lived two lives – one a successful Wall Street Executive and the other a behind closed doors abused wife.  After my book was published many women reached out to me and told me “Your story could be my story”.  

 Domestic Violence affects at least 25% of all women regardless of socio-economic status!

The Importance Of A Financial Strategy Plan for Domestic Abuse Victims

October 31, 2012

In my book “Victory Over Violence” I talk about the economic abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex-husband. In addition to physical, sexual and emotional abuse my ex-husband had complete control over our family finances.

Economic abuse is dangerous and will adversely affect a victim’s economic security. Economic abuse includes stealing money from the victim, not allowing the victim to work and limiting the victim’s access to joint funds.  

 Economic security is essential to a victim’s ability to leave an abuser and not return to the relationship. On Monday I talked about the importance of a Safety Plan (http://www.thebusinessofme.com/the-business-of-me-blog.php) today I want to stress the importance of having a Financial Strategy.

A Financial Strategy Plan is an essential ingredient to any Safety Plan.  According to an article in The Palm Beach Post (http://www.palmbeachpost.com/news/lifestyles/health/domestic-abuse-victims-need-to-have-a-financial-st/nSqmW/) “Financial instability is one of the largest obstacles for a survivor seeking safety. Being able to survive financially without the abuser can pose challenges,” said Leisa Wiseman, spokeswoman for the Florida Coalition Against Domestic Violence in Tallahassee.”

The article goes on to provide great advice for those looking to leave an abusive relationship. According to the article “For those who decide to leave the relationship, financial records should be secured, including credit card and bill information, as well as personal records such as birth certificates. In fact, no matter what your situation, you should know where these documents are and understand them, from mortgages to auto insurance policies.”

Please pass this post and article to anyone you know who is affected by domestic violence!

The Only Thing I Can Count On Is Change

Change, change and more change seems to be what my life is about these past few years. Last year around this time I moved back to NYC to an apartment that I owned. Now I have sold that apartment so I am on the move again. Yes I am going to stay in NYC but will live in a different area of Manhattan.

While I am looking forward to the move and living in a different place I just want it to be done now – I have no more patience for waiting. I have no choice but to wait and let the change come in its own good time – I feel like a child who just wants what they want and they want it now. 

I would love to throw a tantrum and scream but I will patiently wait and I know once it is all said and done I will enjoy my new home and see what other changes are in store for me and accept them with grace.

In times like this I remember what Maria Robinson says “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Here’s to embracing another new ending…