When I left my ex-husband I was thirty nine years old. He was my first and only boyfriend. I had no experience with men other than a very bad experience with him. I don’t think anyone would have been surprised if I hated men after that experience, but I didn’t. I did hate him but I didn't believe that all men were like him.

The good news was I did not hate men - the bad news was at thirty nine I had the emotional maturity of a fifteen year old when it came to men. Thank goodness I did not want to date until about three years after I left him and my divorce was final. My marriage and subsequent divorce emotionally drained me so much that I had no energy to include a man in my life. I certainly did not want to live with another man because for the first time I was on my own, I had my own place and was living a life I chose. I feared another man would tell me what to do or how to live.  Men were also not interested in me during this time; perhaps I had put a force field around me that told them to stay away.

Even though I did not want to live with a man I suddenly craved romance and sex or what my therapist called “momentary intimacy”.  All of a sudden men were attracted to me; I had lifted the force field. But the men who were attracted to me were men who were either in relationships or married and I let them into my life. These men were safe for me. They didn’t want a permanent relationship, they had one, and I wanted “momentary intimacy”. I wanted men who would take me to dinner, talk to me, have sex and then go away.

It was years later that “momentary intimacy” was no longer enough and I wanted someone to share my life with.  The moment I wanted to share my life different men starting coming into my life - men who wanted a meaningful relationship with one woman. I guess I was finally maturing.