Like many others I will never give another dime to Susan G. Koman.  Women’s health should not be used as a political football. I had breast cancer and thankfully I had insurance to pay for my care but there are many women who do not have health insurance and rely on Planned Parenthood for their mammographies. Women’s health is not political issue – it is a moral issue.

If woman’s health is under attack –is domestic violence next? Fact - funding for women’s organizations is being ...

I have faced and conquered a number of fears. Yet there is still one thing that frightens me – medical tests. I hate it when a doctor says “I think we should do a test just to be sure all is good.”

In years past I would panic everyday to the point where I could not think about anything else until the test was completed and I received the results. The only test I had that had a negative outcome was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was fortunate that my breast cancer was found...

This week News4 in Jacksonville, FL published this article (http://www.news4jax.com/news/Domestic-violence-doesn-t-discriminate/-/475880/7897318/-/vfm16c/-/index.html). The title of the article is “Domestic Violence Doesn’t Discriminate”.

Many people still believe that domestic violence is prevalent at lower income levels and not affluent successful women. Well they are wrong! I was abused and I was a successful Wall Street executive.

Domestic violence is an equal opportunity social...

One of the most dangerous times for a victim of domestic violence is when she leaves the abusive relationship. I know. When I left my ex-husband the reign of terror began in earnest. I was stalked, terrorized and beaten within an inch of my life. At the advice of my attorney I hired a bodyguard. I was fortunate I had the means to afford one but not all women do and this is a story about one of these women.

Her name was Shelby Wilkie and she was murdered by her husband. It seems that Shelby h...

This story ran on December 30, 2011 (http://www.wmbfnews.com/story/16418294/domestic-abuse-victim-survives-12-hours-of-beating).The story is about a woman who endured 12 hours of torture at the hands of her boyfriend. During those horrifying 12 hours she was so severely beaten, kicked and dragged by her hair that she kept losing consciousness.  She miraculously escaped when he left the house to get cigarettes. He was arrested.

She appeared in court to testify. “He kicked me in the head. He...

Since I have not lived in NYC for over five years I was unaware of the annual Good Riddance Day (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/29/good-riddance-day-in-time_n_1174784.htmlIt’s a day where folks can smash, shred, dump or find other ways to destroy their bad memories of 2011.  I love that idea –it’s a way to make room for the good that will come into our life in 2012.

We have a similar ritual in The Business of Me to help our participants rid themselves of the negative thoughts...

Picture this - a young 19 year old college student standing in her boyfriend’s bedroom - he has a gun and puts it against her head and says “this is how you do it” and pulls the trigger. The young woman falls dead on the floor. He calls 911 hours after the shooting and tells 911 “A woman passed out”.

The young man had repeatedly abused his girlfriend and he finally murdered her. He has been charged with reckless homicide.  The young woman’s grandmother is now fighting to have the...

Many of you have heard me talk about Omerta. Omerta is a code of silence prevalent in Sicilian heritage. I have talked about how Omerta affected my life and how it was part of the reason I endured domestic violence for so many years and stayed silent.

I have a story I want to share with you. It was Memorial Day1992 and my aunt invited my mom to a family barbeque. My mother asked if I could come. Now you need to know that I was living with my mom and she didn't tell anyone in the family that...

Last Wednesday I was honored to be the keynote speaker at The Dress For Success Event commemorating Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The incredible event was held at Brooklyn Boro Hall which was draped in purple.

I was also honored to be invited to an interview which included Dress For Success CEO Joi Gordon and Verizon http://www.ny1.com/content/149534/women-s-groups-use-film-to-convey-domestic-violence-message.

I want to thank Dress for Success for including me at their wonderful event!

As soon as I get out of bed in the morning, before I even have a cup of coffee, with my eyes still half closed, I check my email. I know I’m addicted. And yes, I need to do something about but it but that is not the reason for this post.

As I was going through my emails I saw an email from a Twitter follower – yes, I Twitter too. The message said “There is a bad blog going around about you, did you see it?” I immediately felt that old feeling of fear came back – but just for a sec...

I have not only survived domestic violence but I have survived breast cancer too. Years after my divorce I was diagnosed with DCIS (Ductal carcinoma in situ).  When the doctor told me the news I was in shock. My first thought was “Why me? I don’t need another character building exercise”.  I was fortunate that it was caught early and after a lumpectomy and radiation treatment I was cancer free.

Well it’s been over 10 years since my cancer and all my mammographies have been perfect -...

This morning as I was walking to Dunkin Donuts to get my morning coffee I ran into a homeless man. This man was carrying 3 very large garbage bags of empty cans and bottles that he obviously had been collecting and was off to redeem them for cash. This is not the first time I have seen homeless people walking the streets of NYC with their bags of empty bottles, and it’s not just men - it’s women too.

Somehow the fact that I accidentally ran into this man has shaken me and I can’t seem ...

Many of you know that I was brought up in a large Sicilian Roman Catholic family and that the only way to be heard above the roar was to yell. Yes, I come from a long line of expert yellers. When I first met my ex-husband’s family they were also yellers and screamers.

In my world yelling and screaming was the way you showed someone how much you cared for them. In fact, my ex-husband told me once he yelled at me because he cared for me and for years I bought that. 

I now know that “yell...

 “You’re a girl so you are your mother’s problem” is what my dad told me when I was about 5 years old. Dad completely disengaged himself from my upbringing. He also told me that “If he had a son he could do things with a son like fishing and horseback riding”. The message was clear, I was a girl so I was not worthy of his attention.

Those words haunt me to this day. And it’s those words that subconsciously put me on a quest to find “a daddy”. I went looking for someone who...

I’m diabetic. Diabetes runs in my family and I inherited it. Type 2 diabetes runs in my family and I was diagnosed with it when I was nineteen – the same year I got married. My mom told me once after I left my ex-husband that I should have broken my leg walking down the aisle but I didn’t I got married.

A friend of mine told me once that perhaps I became diabetic in the same year I got married as that was the year the sweetness went out of my life. I don’t know about that but I do kn...

Well the jobs report is out and the news is not good – no new jobs were added in August and unemployment remains at 9.1%. My purpose today is not to talk about the unemployment rate but to talk about my reaction to news in general.

I will admit to being a news “junkie” and I am finding that this barrage of horrible news is starting to affect my mood – I need an intervention.  I am especially sick (as I’m sure we all are) of the bickering crap that is going on in Washington D.C. on...

Many of you know that my partner and I found a kitten about 3 months ago and we are enjoying having him in our lives. We have named the kitten Poncho.

Poncho is an active kitten running, jumping, fetching (yes, fetching!) and biting. He does not bite out of meanness; he bites as part of his play. Since my partner takes blood thinners and Poncho does break his skin he is bleeding a lot. So we decided that Poncho needed a buddy. We went to an animal shelter in our neighborhood and found an ad...

Many of you know that my partner and I found a kitten about 3 months ago and we are enjoying having him in our lives. We have named the kitten Poncho.

Poncho is an active kitten running, jumping, fetching (yes, fetching!) and biting. He does not bite out of meanness; he bites as part of his play. Since my partner takes blood thinners and Poncho does break his skin he is bleeding a lot. So we decided that Poncho needed a buddy. We went to an animal shelter in our neighborhood and found an ad...

I received an email from a friend today who felt I would be facing some challenges and his partner told him “Don’t worry about Nancy she is a powerhouse”. I don’t view myself as a “powerhouse” so to hear someone else say that about me is a real boost to my psyche and a great motivator.

There are times when we are feeling overwhelmed by our circumstances and then “out of the blue” you get the boost you need to keep moving to achieve your goals – and yes you are a “powerho...

Many of you have heard me talk about the importance of planning for the future we desire.  I still hold to that principal but I also have learned that the road to success does have roadblocks. I have also learned that regardless of the roadblocks I need to keep working my plan.

The roadblocks do not mean we will not attain the goals we have planned. The roadblocks mean we need to make temporary adjustments to our plan. In fact, what we may perceive as roadblocks are blessings.

I hav...

Many of you know that when I worked on Wall Street I had an assistant for a number of years. Wilma is no nonsense, straight talking Latina with a heart of gold. She became my defender, confident and a life long friend whose advice I cherish.

I woke up today thinking about Wilma and some of her “sayings”. Wilma would always say “When you are feeling your worst you should look your best.” She was right about that. When I was going through my divorce there were many days where I felt...

When I was a child my Dad brought home a puppy. My sister and I were so excited and thrilled to have a puppy but our excitement was short lived. The active little puppy was obviously not house-trained and my Mom scared the little thing to death by chasing it around with a broom. The poor little puppy was so scared that it did “its business” all over the house which incited my Mom even more – these were the days before “wee-wee” pads.  The next morning when my sister and I woke up th...

Recently a number of women have reached out to me and told me about their struggles with domestic violence. The women who have contacted me are still in those abusive relationships and were seeking advice on what they should do so they can leave their abusers.

Each woman had the same concern – money. It is important to start putting aside “escape” money. Put aside money that only you know about and can use to get out in a hurry, if you need to. Open a bank account in your name only an...

Yesterday I read this quote “Stress, worry, and anxiety simply come from projecting your thoughts into the future and imagining something bad. This is focusing on what you don't want! If you find that your mind is projecting into the future in a negative way, focus intensely on NOW. Keep bringing yourself back to the present.”

This sounds so simple and easy but it’s not. I know that when my mind goes to those “dark” places I have to really stop all I am doing and really work on ge...

After my divorce I spent 10 years living alone. Yes I made friends and had an active social life but I did not want a “relationship”. I needed to have “alone” time to heal and learn how to be by myself and enjoy my own company.  The time I spent living alone allowed me to be “me” and hone in on what I truly wanted in my life.

It was not until I became a happy single person that I was ready to share my life with someone. So to all the women I have met as I travel around the count...

Many women are murdered by their intimate partners. There were 2 women who were recently murdered by their intimate partners and it’s not just that they were murdered it was the vicious brutality of the murders that I can’t get out of my mind.

One woman was doused with lighter fluid and set on fire and the other was nearly decapitated as her boyfriend was trying to destroy her face with a knife. Horrifying!

I can’t even imagine what the last moments of these women’s lives were like...

I have had this picture in my mind for days. It’s Christmas Eve when I was a child and my entire family would gather at one of my aunts’ homes in the Bronx. Since my mom was one of ten children there was always a huge crowd on Christmas Eve.

I can still see the Christmas tree laden with gifts for everyone which would be handed out after midnight. But it’s not the gifts I remember; rather it is the tradition our family had.  At the stroke of midnight everyone stopped their conversation...

I was talking with a lovely woman today who has endured her own struggles with abuse. As we talked she told me about how shameful she felt about the abuse she endured. I can relate to her feelings of shame as it was shame that kept me from telling anyone what I was going through.

It has taken many years but I no longer feel any shame. Hooray for me! I know I did nothing to be ashamed of – he did!

I no longer hide what I went through or keep it a secret. What I went through is part of my ...

Picture this well-dressed woman, a Wall Street executive - a normal day at work.

This woman is going about her day busy with meetings, talking to clients and reading her mail doing what she does every day. But this day, a day that began just like any other wouldn’t be ordinary at all.

You see, she had recently left her abusive husband and was scared to death that he would come to the office to harass her.  She informed building security and a picture of her husband was given to the secur...

A lovely lady passed away. Her name was Barbara. Barbara was my partner’s mom. Barbara never achieved great fame or wealth but she was a loving mom and grandmother – and so much more than that.

When I first met Barbara she was at the beginning of her long painful journey through Alzheimer’s disease. She was still lucid most of the time and the social, fun-loving person inside her was still evident. Barbara lived in Los Angeles and came to stay with us in NY for Christmas. Christmas wa...

For the past week I've had a picture in my mind about my mom that is making my heart ache.  Mom was 21 years younger than my dad. And unfortunately dad became ill early in their marriage and my mom’s life changed from wife and mother to wife, mother, bread winner and caretaker for my dad – my sisters and I were too young to help her take care of him.

Mom’s life was a very lonely life filled with hard work. The picture of her that is haunting me is of her sitting by herself at the dinn...

I have been involved in a bad business deal which I thought had finally come to a conclusion around Christmastime. Well I was wrong. It seems it just does not want to end.

As I was talking to my partner yesterday I said perhaps it’s my Karma to have run into this person now. Maybe I wronged him in another life and he’s back to get revenge. Or maybe I have just run into a #%$@*. But as my partner reminded either way it’s still my Karma to have to deal with this person.

I have allowed ...

You have a plan and you work the plan everyday but are you bogged down with what the outcome should be?  I know I was and then a friend of mine the author of “Socks in the Dryer” Paol Seagram said to me “Don’t be attached to the outcome. Just keep putting it out there.”

I asked Paol what he meant by that and he said “Just keep doing the work and your plan will happen but it may not come from where you expect or how you expect it.”  And I know from my personal experience he is r...

I have been presented with a set of options in a business deal. My “old self” would have made a quick “knee jerk” decision without really analyzing the options.

Well my “new self” is going to analyze my options using the SWOT analysis employed in The Business of Me. The SWOT analysis will examine the Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats of each option. Only after I have examined each option will I be able to make a “choiceful” decision.

In The Business of Me a �...

I have never owned a pet but now it seems my neighbor’s cat has decided he likes my house more than my neighbor’s house so he has, in his mind, moved in. And yes we feed it and let it roam where it wants to go. We pet it and give it love – that is, when the cat wants to be loved.

As I observe the cat whose name is Pacifico I am constantly amazed at how it just does what it wants to do when it wants to do it.  Pacifico does not care about your feelings - Pacifico is all about Pacifico's...

I was speaking to a man yesterday who has been on a personal spiritual journey for years. He talked about how far he has come and how much he has changed and how his life has improved. He told me about how he is now on a quest to understand the “Law of Attraction”.

I am also on a personal quest to understand and put into practice the principals of the “Law of Attraction”. The first thing I found out about the “Law of Attraction” is that if I am unhappy about my current situation...

We all like the “big win” but often it is the “little victories” that happen each day that are the most significant. It is the little victories that keep us motivated to continue our quest to attain our longer-range goals.

I know. In the past few days I have been gratified with the “little victories” that have come my way and make me realize that I am on the right track. It is only a matter of time before the “big win” is achieved.

Each day we should keep working our plan an...

I was asked to write a blog for International Women’s Day (http://bit.ly/hutBa0). The title is “Silent Heroines” – and this post is for the wonderful women who have enriched my life.

Silent Heroines

I was asked why I support International Women’s Day. For me the answer is easy - I support this day for all the silent heroines who walk amongst us. It is the silent heroines who work every day to make the lives of those around them a better place.

We all know these women.

·        ...

I am a person who plans. I am always looking to the future and making plans to reach the goals I have set for myself. Today I am going to do something different and celebrate today. I am going to enjoy living in the “now”. I am going to enjoy the little victories that have come to me today.

I will do as Reverend Michael Bernard Beckwith of Agape (http://www.agapelive.com) says “If you find yourself drifting into the future, let yourself feel that things are getting better and better a...

Sometimes in life you have to “take a stand”.  I am in the midst of taking a stand and standing up for myself.  After so many years of abuse this is not a natural way of being for me.

As my friend the author of “Socks in the Dryer” Paol Seagram says “Nothing Changes Until You Do”. Standing up for myself is part of the change I have to make so I can continue to move my life forward.

In fact I stood up today and before I made the decision to do so I was filled with fear of what I...

The holiday season is in full swing and many of us will be celebrating with friends and family. We will be wrapped in the warmth of our loved ones but for many women and children who endure domestic violence the holidays are a very difficult time. There is no “cease fire” because the holidays are upon us - for them the abuse continues each and every day.

My family has a number of holiday traditions that we enjoy each year as I'm sure your family has holiday traditions that you enjoy too...

I use the dictionary a lot. The dictionary has been my companion for many years because I always want to know what words really mean. My post on December 3rd titled “Victimized Again-And I Am Angry” http://www.nancysstory.com/nancys-blog.php I talk about how I am being abused by a man in a business deal.

Over the past few days I have thought that perhaps I was wrong for using the word abused, but as it turns out I am correct-I am being abused. According to the dictionary one of the defi...

I have always handled my business dealings with honesty and integrity; how naïve of me to think that everyone does or will do the same.

I am so angry even as I write this my hands are shaking. The old feelings of being abused have consumed me as I have not been able to write, think clearly or sleep. Does this sound familiar to those of you who have endured abuse?

Many of you kn...

October was a whirlwind of travel for me visiting a number of cities to talk about Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I was even invited to the White House to commemorate Domestic Violence Awareness Month with President Obama, Vice President Biden and White House Advisor on Violence Against Women Lynn Rosenthal. I wrote about that in a recent The Business of Me post (http://www.thebusinessofme.com/the-business-of-me-blog.php ).

 I was also a guest speaker at the University of Rochester in Ne...

One of the first things I did when I left my ex-husband was to find a therapist. Fortune smiled upon me and the therapist I found was perfect for me.

For the first two years when I was being threatened, stalked and terrorized by my ex-husband she was instrumental in helping me deal with him and his threats. When my divorce was finally over and I was secure he was not coming back into my life my therapy took a different direction.

I needed to know why I stayed in such a toxic relationship fo...

I have had the privilege to present The Business of Me many times. The women who have participated in the program are courageous and resilient. There was one young woman who participated in the program who is a testament to that courage and resilience. I will call her Kelly and here is her story.

To say Kelly is beautiful is an understatement.  Kelly is “movie star” beautiful; in fact she looks like Nicole Kidman.  Yet Kelly did not feel beautiful outside or inside, she was at 33 a domes...

I spent years in isolation during my marriage and I’m not alone. Many women who endure abusive relationships are intentionally isolated from friends and family. Sure, I went to work and interacted with my co-workers but I had no friends. My ex-husband controlled my activities and if I went out of bounds-I paid a price.

It was not until I left him that I was able to have a happy social life. The people who came into my life were supportive and loving. They did not judge me for the life I li...

What was it t hat made me leave the day I did? What was the tipping point that made you finally leave? I am asked questions like that every day.

The day I left was no different than any other day. The abuse was no different. The only difference was that he was not home that day.

It was like “an out of body” experience. I saw a woman packing a bag, I saw her closing the door behind her suitcase in hand and off I went to my mother’s. When I arrived at my mother’s completely unannoun...

I have been depressed these past few days and I know why-my plan that I have is not moving fast enough for me. Yes I know I have little victories everyday but for some reason for the past few days I just want to get to the finish line. Rather than being grateful for what I do have I am mired in what I “perceive” I don’t have. Not a good thing. In fact, I have been so mired in my “bad stuff” that I have upset someone who I love very much.  And I regret that very much.

Yet there is g...

No matter how good my life is I sometimes have this little voice in my head telling me “be careful”. It seems I am always waiting for “the other shoe to drop”. I still assume that all the good in my life will just one day disappear.

For so many years I did live a life where “the shoe dropped” everyday and yes those days are long gone- but obviously not in my head. I still battle with irrational thoughts that some unknown bad will come into my life and all that I have worked for ...

My dad told me so many times as I was growing up that he wanted me to be a teacher. He thought being a teacher was a great profession for a woman. Yes teaching is an honorable profession but not for the reasons dad wanted me to become one.

Dad wanted me to be a teacher because he assumed I would get married one day (he was correct there) but he thought that being a teacher would allow me to be home early and take care of the children (I never had any) and have supper on the table when my hu...

My ex-husband fought me for two years before he would agree to a divorce. We had no children and no money yet he battled me every step of the way - and I know why.

Some might think that he loved me and wanted to make a go of the marriage but that was the furthest reason from the truth. He wanted to maintain his lifestyle. I was the major wage earner and he was a gambler. Without me he would not be able to do what he wanted and what he wanted was for me to work so he could pursue his gambling...

Every organization has jobs that are necessary but at the same time are thankless and tedious. I was the queen of thankless and tedious jobs. If there was a division that no one wanted I said bring it on, if there was a division that was performing poorly and no one wanted to touch I said bring it on.  I would gladly take on what no one else wanted because that was my way of trying to ensure that I would not lose my job.

I was the major wage earner and I had to be sure that I was never out ...

I always wanted a "dad." I wanted a dad who would talk to me, give me advice, hug me, take me places and make me feel special. I never had that and I would constantly complain about it to my therapist. Finally one day after having again bemoaned that my dad was never present for me my therapist cut me off and abruptly told me "get over it, you never had a real dad and that is not going to change". She suggested that I become the “good parent” to myself.

That stated me on a path of takin...

When you think of insurance companies many people think of old fashioned stuffy organizations filled with a bunch of blue suits. In many respects that was true of the insurance company I worked for. Yet when I told the executives I worked for about the threats I was receiving from my estranged husband those executives did not hesitate to help me.

They immediately asked me for a picture of my ex-husband and gave that picture to the security deck with instructions that if this person ever tri...

For many years I thought I was alone. What I mean by that is I always felt I could never ask anyone for help or advice-and I never did. Not asking for help or advice was one of the reasons I stayed in an abusive relationship for so long.

The reason I never sought help was that I was ashamed. It was not until years later I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of-he did. When I finally left the only way I was able to stay out of the relationship was to ask for help. And what I found was that n...

When I left my ex-husband I was thirty nine years old. He was my first and only boyfriend. I had no experience with men other than a very bad experience with him. I don’t think anyone would have been surprised if I hated men after that experience, but I didn’t. I did hate him but I didn't believe that all men were like him.

The good news was I did not hate men - the bad news was at thirty nine I had the emotional maturity of a fifteen year old when it came to men. Thank goodness I did no...

My assistant Wilma, who was with me for years, almost quit one day. She told a co-worker that she could no longer stand how I treated her. This was right before I left my ex-husband. I was being downright mean to her and I didn't even realize it. I would crumble up phone messages from my ex-husband that she took when I was at meetings and dump them on her desk like her desk was a garbage pail. I had no clue what I was doing.

I was shocked when I heard that Wilma wanted to quit and could not ...

The only victories I ever really wanted were the “big wins”. You know like getting that “big job” or the “big promotion” or winning the lottery. Well I have never won the lottery but I have small victories every day. Yup I said every day.  It’s the small victories that add up to the “big wins”.

A small victory for me is when one person buys my book or when one woman contacts me and tells me how my story has moved her to begin writing her own tales about her life and how wr...

I always tell everyone how important it is to take "me time". Yet for a long time I have been going and going and going just like the Energizer Bunny and didn't take any "me time". Well the bunny ran out of juice yesterday and my body and my mind just shut down. I couldn't do anything. I couldn’t think or write or move. I just napped most of the day. My creativity was completely zapped and I had no energy for anything other just sitting on the couch.

So now my friends, I am going to pract...

I have been interviewed three times this week on various local radio shows. There was one question each interviewer asked me and that was “Do I have any regrets about my life?” I don’t.

I don’t have regrets because I choose not to live in the past. I can’t change the past but I can do something about my future. Living in the past leaves no room for me to move my life forward.

The author Maria Robinson said “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start toda...

A good friend asked me today how I felt about publishing my first book. I told him that the reality has not sunk in yet.

I never thought I would write a book. In fact I never thought I would be writing a blog. I always thought I would live a quiet, unassuming life. I have always viewed myself as an introverted person. No I am not introverted with my friends or family but I tend to be the type of person who blends in and does not feel comfortable being “out there”.

I am every woman. I ...

Over the many months that I have been blogging a number of women have approached me to tell me their stories. I want to thank all of the courageous women who have opened up to me and felt safe to tell me their stories – I am truly honored. I have learned from all of you and you have given me strength.

 I began writing as a way to help myself move past the pain, guilt, fear and shame I was feeling. Yes, it is hard to relive the abuse - but it has helped, I have found the process liberating ...

In fact one of my favorite fantasies was he died of some dread disease and his whole family and I were gathered around the cemetery plot and his mother in typical “Italian mourning” black was wailing and almost throwing herself into the plot. Me - I just stood there not cry...

Going through a divorce is tough enough but being stalked and threatened and afraid for your life while you’re going through one brings divorce to a whole new level.

 I would wake up every day wondering "what is he going to do today". I was exhausted and I just wanted the divorce to be final, but it seemed like it never would. Finding strength was not always easy and then one day I found inspiration in a song.

The song was by Tina Turner. It was from the movie about her life and how she...

Many people ask me “Nancy how could you have been so successful and yet live with an abusive husband?”  My answer is simple - FEAR.

When I was married I had no money. My husband primarily managed the money and he was a gambler. So the only way to be sure there was roof over my head was to become a competent, innovative and creative employee at work. I became an employer’s dream employee,  I never said no to any task, took on as much as they would give me and worked long hours not exp...

For the past couple of weeks I have been consumed with fear. My heart is racing, my hands shake and I have just had it with this fear. I have felt this kind of fear before and each time it was followed by a big change in my life like when I left my ex-husband. The only issue now is I’m not sure what the big change is that’s coming I just know its coming.

As many of you know I have written a book “Victory Over Violence” which will be published this month. I know that will create a cha...

An incident happened this past weekend that showed me how I still suffer the effects of years of abuse.

 There was an altercation of which I was a part of and rather than stand up for myself and my partner I shut down, just like I used to shut down whenever my ex-husband would yell, scream and harass me.

While the details of the disagreement are not important, my reaction to it is. I allowed my partner to take the brunt of someone’s threats against both of us and not say a word. I could ...

Today is a “dark day”. Even though I have been through years of therapy and work on my attitude and outlook there are days when I just go to that dark place.

Today I just want to leave everything and just hide and say %$#* to anyone who gets in my way. Nothing I write today is good enough, in fact, nothing I have done today is good enough, as far as I am concerned. I have been pretty harsh on myself today.  And yes, today I feel like a failure and yes I know that I am not a failure - bu...

I was twelve years old when it happened. My body matured overnight. In my Italian family the women were gifted with either voluptuous breasts or a great booty. I got the breasts.

I was shy as an adolescent and I wasn't thrilled with my breasts - I thought they were too big. I was never comfortable being the center of attention and all I wanted to do was blend in.

 Whether it was reality or not I just felt all the boys’ eyes went right to – well you know where. I was so self -conscious ...

For years after I left my ex-husband I lived in shame. I was an abused woman who for twenty years endured abuse at the hands of my ex-husband. How horrible and how shameful.

When my divorce was finally granted I was embarrassed about the life I had lived. Because my ex-husband harassed my co-workers they knew what I had endured.  I always wondered what my co-workers thought about me. "What’s wrong with her?" "How could she stay with an abusive husband for so long?" "Why did she allow that ...

I don’t eat escargot. I never have and probably never will.

When I was young my family gathered at my grandmother’s small apartment in the Bronx in New York every Sunday for dinner. My Italian grandmother would cook in her old fashioned kitchen for all my aunts, uncles and cousins every Sunday - it was a ritual.

I remember one Sunday well. I walked into the kitchen as Grandma was at the stove cooking. She had a big iron pot on the stove and a large wooden spoon in her hand. She was wh...

I am a very grateful today! But I wasn’t always grateful; in fact I was more hateful than grateful. I hated my life, I hated taking the train to work, I hated my clothes, I just hated everything.

I lived a woe is me life. I felt sorry for what life had handed me, an abusive husband and a gambler at that. No prince charming. Most of you know I finally left him after many years of marriage.

I remember talking to my therapist once about what life had handed me. And being the very pragmatic,...

A good friend asked me recently about my wedding. I never talk about it because it’s a day I really don’t want to remember. Most women look forward to their wedding, I didn't. I didn't even look pretty that day.

On my wedding day all my bridesmaids and my aunts were gathered at my mom's house to see me get dressed for the “big” day. The photographer arrived for the photo shoot. He had me posing by a window with all my aunts and bridesmaids gathered around. My mother, who was also sta...

My ex-husband was the youngest of four brothers born into an Italian family in The Bronx, NY. All of his brothers considered themselves very "macho" and showed little respect for women. This disregard for women was evident one night when we gathered for a family dinner at his parent's home.

His eldest brother was talking about something that had appeared in the news that day and he cited some facts about the article. One of the "facts" that he mentioned was incorrect and I knew it so I offer...

My dad and I were never close. He felt that we were girls so we were my “mom’s problem” (his words, not mine). He had little to do with our upbringing and never spent much time with us. I always felt that he abandoned us. 

Dad and I never had any “father daughter talks” nor did we ever spend much time together. I was rejected by the first male relationship I had.

It was our custom that the entire family always gathered together on Christmas Eve. On Christmas Eve 1982 we all gath...

Of course we always got presents for our birthdays. My mom always tried very hard to get us what we wanted.

On my 15^th birthday she really surprised me though. I don’t remember the gift but I do remember that she picked me up from school that day and took to me to get a work permit.  And not only did she get me a work permit she also got me a job! Mom had arranged for me to work in our dentist office.

I found that I enjoyed working. The dentist employed mostly high school and college stu...

As a small child I suffered from migraines.  I would have tremendous head pain and could not move my head or open my eyes. 

My mom took to me a lot doctors and I even had my head x-rayed.  It was a strange thing to be so small and lie on a table with a huge machine moving above my head. 

It was finally decided that I was a nervous child and was given pills to calm me down.  I am not a therapist or psychiatrist so I don’t know what really caused my migraines.  The only thing I do know is...

The treatment for HPV was laser surgery, so Dr. Zuckerman performed the surgery in his office and I was instructed to come back in two weeks to see how I was doing.

Two weeks later I was healing and he said he needed to do another PAP test in 2 months to see if the laser surgery got it all.

Unfortunately the laser surgery did not get all the infection and I had to have what is known as a “cervical conization” which is invasive surgery done in a hospital. The pain was excruciating.  

M...

“Hold for Dr. Zuckerman” she said to me when I answered my phone at work one day. I recognized his nurse’s voice. I had gone for my routine annual exam and PAP test the previous week. I had been having gynecological care for 20 years and I had never had any issues.

Dr. Zuckerman came on the phone and said “Nance (he always called me “Nance”) we have a problem”. “Your pap test came back and you have HPV with condyloma and I need to do a biopsy.” I was stunned.

I had the b...

The next day after I was attacked I went to work as usual but emotionally I was a wreck. As I walked along Pearl Street to my office on Maiden Lane my friend Marty saw me and started excitedly calling my name.

As Marty got closer I could hear him “Nancy, Nancy I had a dream about you last night. I dreamt that you died.” As Marty came up to me the smile on his face evaporated and he said “What happened to your neck?”

My neck had welts and bruises from where my ex-husband had choked ...

I left him on December 28, 1991.

To this day I do not know who the Nancy was that left. I felt like I was in a movie.

He was not there. I saw someone packing a bag. I saw that person closing the door behind her, suitcase in hand. I went to my mother’s house.

When I arrived unannounced that Sunday evening, Mom opened the door and before she could say a word, I said, “Have I got a story for you”.

That week I did two things. First, I found myself an attorney. And next….I found a t...

Most people like it when the work day ends not me. I hated going home. I was afraid of how I would be greeted when I got in from work.

If I was lucky all he would do is yell at me for about an hour and then go out. If I was not so lucky he would stay home and yell, scream, hit me and terrorize me.

On the nights that he would yell for what seemed hours I would sit quietly on the corner of the couch with my knees bent and my arms around my legs and my head resting on my knees.

Some nights ...

I couldn’t cook, I couldn’t clean but I could dazzle my co-workers. I was the can do person. I could do that because work was where I was treated like an adult and with respect.

One of my responsibilities was to organize and manage to company conferences. In the insurance industry conferences are the way of bringing together the company’s top producers in one location to both reward and educate them.

Part of managing a conference was to prepare and ship all the conference materials ...

About a month after we were married I invited my youngest sister over for dinner one night. My youngest sister is 6 years younger than I am, so she was 13 years old.

I had spent the day cooking. I made my own tomato sauce; I made meatballs, a salad and had purchased a dessert. I was 19 and never really cooked and I thought I did a really good job and was feeling good about the meal I made.

I felt good until my ex-husband tasted the meal and promptly declared it disgusting and threw the ent...

I was married about 2 years and one night I went to the movies with my mom.  As we were standing on the movie line waiting to buy our tickets I said to my mom “Mom I’m Unhappy”.  And she then said “If you make your bed you lie in it.”

I know that my mom had endured her own unhappiness for years. She and my dad had not gotten along for many years; in fact they had not even shared the same bedroom for many years. It was a very sad, unhappy relationship and she suffered very much.

I ...

When I was a teenager I spent my summers on Orchard Beach in the Bronx. My mom and dad worked and we were old enough to take care of ourselves. So many days it was off to the beach. The cool section for teenagers was section 13 and I wanted to be in the cool section.

As I was standing on the beach boardwalk he walked by with a girl on each arm. As they say, he was tall, dark and handsome and I was impressed. Later he left the two girls behind and he approached me. He was in college and I wa...

The 4^th of July 1992 was approximately 6 months after I had left my ex-husband. We were still battling in court.

In order to help me get my mind off my personal problems my friend Linda asked me if I wanted to spend the day with her at New York’s South Street Seaport. Each 4^th of July New York has fireworks in the harbor and this year we would spend time at the Seaport and watch the fireworks.

We found a spot that was perfect for viewing and at 9 p.m. the show began. As the fireworks wen...

I was 15 when I met my ex-husband. I was 16 when we had sex. Being a good catholic girl I was indoctrinated with the idea that having sex was wrong unless you were married.

After we had sex I felt that everyone could tell what I had done as if there was, like Hester Prynne in the book “The Scarlet Letter” I too had a scarlet letter on my chest that all could see. I was scared and confused and 16.

I know that sounds ridiculous but the way I was brought up influenced how I thought. And I...

February 1993 was the day I moved into my first apartment. I was finally on my own at age 39.

I got married at age 19 and lived with my ex-husband until December 28. 1991 and then I had no choice but to live with my mom for some time. February 1, 1993 was a great day. It was a snowy wintry New York City day but I was so happy.

My friend Linda helped me move. Linda had a small car and all that I had in the world fit in that little car. I only had clothes and nothing else. I had purchased a ...

The week I left my ex-husband I did 2 things. I hired an attorney and found a therapist. I’m not sure which came first but those were the first two really independent decisions of my adult life.

I had been in therapy for about 2 ½ years my divorce was finally over and I asked my therapist to help me find out why I did what I did (marry this man) as I never wanted to do that again.  My therapist was a great no-nonsense person who immediately said to me “Fasten your seat belt - this is ...

When I left my ex-husband I moved in with my mom and left all my belongings in the apartment I had shared with my husband.

My attorney called me to ask me to take inventory of the items in the apartment. Since we had both moved out of the apartment that we had shared I went to take inventory. Needless to say I was surprised when I arrived at the apartment to find that nothing, and I mean nothing, was left there. He had cleaned the place out. Opps, sorry……. He hadn’t taken the shower c...

During some of my “darkest days” when I was going thru my divorce I had a lot of support from the executive officers of my company and my co-workers. One of those co-workers was my assistant Wilma.

Wilma was my assistant for 12 years. She was my confidant and she protected me very well. Yes I said protected me. Once there was an incident at the office when my ex-husband showed up unannounced at the security desk and insisted on talking to me in person.  When I left my ex-husband I had g...

I’m afraid of heights. Not all heights but only where I am not enclosed. I’m fine when I’m flying in an airplane but when I’m hiking for instance, and I am climbing a steep hill - I don’t like that at all. 

I was never able to figure out where my fear of heights came from and then I remembered a recurring dream I had as a child. The dream has me in a car with my mother driving and I am in the back seat - the car is a convertible. The car approaches a very narrow silver bridge whic...

“I can have you put away.” Those were the words my ex-husband repeatedly said to me.  He was intimidating me and I bought every word of it.

I always worked late into the evening, primarily because I did not want to go home as I never knew what kind of a mood he would be in. One particular night he was furious at me for reasons I didn’t then and will never understand. I was the major wage earner and if it wasn’t for my salary we would have lived on the street.

As soon as I came throu...

In one my previous blog posts I talked about how I was plagued with dreams (nightmares really).

One dream that I am going to relate was a recurring dream. I was living on my own and my divorce was not finalized. We were battling and it always seemed like the divorce would never get finalized.

I loved to swim in the ocean but I was always afraid of drowning.  I never liked it when the waves were big. In this dream I was in the water swimming and all of a sudden the waves got so big and roug...

The first apartment that I lived in after my divorce was a small studio in Manhattan. I was living alone and enjoying the solitude. If I wanted to eat cookies for dinner I did. If I wanted to sleep all day on a weekend I did. If I wanted to go to dinner with friends I did. If I wanted to go sightseeing in NYC I did.  If I wanted to do nothing, I did nothing. For the first time in my life I was able to do what I wanted when I wanted. That was very cool!

During one wintry Saturday evening ther...

I got married at the age of 19.  I know, as my Mom used to say after I left my husband, I should have broken my leg on the way down the aisle, but I didn’t. I was married for 20 years.

I have a lot of pictures of me from when I was a baby through to my teens up to the day I got married. After I was married the picture taking almost all ceased. It was like I already knew that I should not record this marriage with photos, if I have ten photos of myself during the 20 years of marriage that ...

I paid my ex-husband. We had been battling for almost 2 years primarily because he did not want a divorce.

I had reached the end of my rope one day and called my attorney and said “I no longer care that he does not want a divorce I just want nothing to do with him and further if I see him on the street I will not acknowledge him…l will pass him like he does not exist.”

Well she must have contacted his attorney because a few days later she called me and said my husband agreed to a div...

My divorce was finalized on February 17, 1993. I was at work when my attorney called me with the great news.  It was finally over!

February 17, 1993 was also the day that I was once again legally allowed to use my maiden name, Salamone.

At my company every officer had their name on their office door.  The office door nameplate holder made it easy to remove the plate and replace it with a new name plate if the current occupant moved out and a new person moved in.

The moment I finished talk...

When I was a child I hated the dark.  To this day I don’t understand why and I don’t remember when that fear left me.

I shared a bedroom with my sister and when the lights went out I would think there were witches outside the door waiting to pounce on me. Yes I said witches complete with black gowns and weird hats and big ugly noses. In fact now that I think about it the witches looked just like the witch in the Wizard of Oz movie with Judy Garland. And yes I did see that movie as a chil...

We all have our own morning routines.  Some of us get up and do some exercise, some of us enjoy some coffee and breakfast and then off we go to get showered and dressed for our day.

When I was married I would get up and start my day by showering. The first thing I did when I looked in the mirror was to say to myself. “Tomorrow will be a better day.” I had already determined at 6 a.m. that I was going to have a bad day.  But as I was walking out the door I would say “You can always leav...

I attended the local catholic grammar school in my neighborhood.  Part of our curriculum involved religious education. There are 7 catholic sacraments.  One of the sacraments is confession, today its called reconciliation.

Confession or reconciliation is where you confess your sins . I am not an expert on confession or the sacraments - my purpose in talking about confession is to relate my experience during my first confession.

I was in first grade when I made my first confession.  My first c...

“The Bride of Frankenstein” was a 1935 horror movie starring Boris Karloff as Frankenstein and Elsa Lancaster as his monster bride. Like all movies of that time it was in black and white which always looked dank and grey to me.

Since this was a horror film it was always night and no glimmer of light other than what I call “spooky light”, the kind meant to scare you.  Just for the record I hated that movie. It was the first horror movie I was forced to watch and the last one I have...

I hate being cold. I’m not sure but there was an incident in grammar school that may explain this.

It was the routine at school that classes would line up in the yard with our class each day by a certain time. I really don’t remember what time but it was early, something like 8 o’clock.  The nuns would come open the school doors at a specific time and as we were trained to do, we would march in to our classrooms. The truth was you could set your watch to the time the doors were opened...